As I looked around the dance floor, I saw glimpses of people I hate, dislike, and absolutely love. I saw my ex. I saw my best friend. I saw all of my fellow peers that I’ve been going to school with the past three years, and we were all celebrating the same thing: the end of high school and the beginning of our lives.

Yes, this was a night of fun and I’m exhausted.

A good friend once told me to never forget my track experiences. Well, I can promise you that I won’t. I honestly do not think you would find another sport where the girls/boys are so loving, committed, supportive, and willing to help. When I moved here three years ago, I didn’t know anybody and everything was unfamiliar. My only constant from my old school was track. I indulged myself in it and met some pretty cool people who are now my best friends. You see, track & field is more than a sport to me. It’s my savior… my support system. It represents my family.

People use to ask me frequently why I like track so much. And I would ask them back: Why not? If I learned anything throughout these years, it is that we lose ourselves in the things we love, but we find ourselves there too.

It’s the fourth quarter of my senior year and my impatience for this school year to be over steadily increases. I yearn for the day of states so track can be over. I can’t wait for graduation and everything to end so I have the time to breathe, relax, and not worry about the future. However, once they’re gone, I have a feeling that I will turn around and look behind the closed door, recalling the memories that meant most to me. I’ll miss those scorching-hot practices with my track teammates and those moments where we laugh hysterically about nothing. I’ll miss my lunch table and visiting my cousins during the class period. I’ll miss sleeping in physics class because I can afford to. I’ll miss working hard in AP Calc class. I’ll miss my high school environment. I don’t want this chapter of my life to end because there marks the moment where everything changes. Then I remind myself that I’ve been working my whole life up to this moment; to graduate. Change is a necessity to grow, but it is burdensome. I can’t help to think about my future. Where will I end up? Will everything work out alright?

Surprisingly my answer was waiting in my English class.

We are required to read this book called A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah. I can confidently say that this book will change one’s perspective of life. It’s a book that will make a person realize that the world doesn’t revolve around them and that their problems are so… insignificant compared to the children in other continents. It’s a book of awareness.

After I finished this life-changing novel, I stared at my ceiling for hours and thought about the adversities that are significant to my life. They don’t compare at all. Again, reality slaps me across the face. Why can’t I remember? Why do I keep forgetting to appreciate EVERYTHING in my life? I keep complaining about my “problems,” about these petty, inconvenient things in my life. Instead I should be celebrating that I’m living another day, in a country where my future is bright.

My future is as bright as the sun

And I am looking forward to it.

I finally determined which road to take for the next four/five years of my life. Honestly, I’m still unsure if I made the correct choice. It’s typical though. I always contemplate whether if I made the right choice or not. Ever since I was little I’ve always wondered “what if.”

What if I did this instead? What if I chosen something else?

Then I ask myself, does it matter? 

No, I do not know my destination to this unforeseen path, but it shouldn’t matter. I stand by my decision. No more looking back to the doors I’ve closed because -as cliche as it sounds- there are new opportunities ahead of me. 

This is the transition time between winter and spring. However, with the messed up ‘winter’ who knows what March will bring. 

• Three months till I graduate High School
• Two months till I need to make a decision (I still have no idea where I want to go)
• This week Outdoor Track started
• Next week I’m attending Nationals with my best friend KCD :D
• This month: UMBC visit
• Sometime this month I’m going on a Wawa road trip- typically before the gas prices go up
• And hopefully I can bring my grades up

I feel like I haven’t been entirely myself for a long time. What happened to the happy version of me? I feel like I left her, misplaced her somewhere, and I can’t seem to remember where she is. Lately I’ve been so tired. I don’t have the energy to care or to be upbeat. I want to sleep in my bed and cuddle with a certain someone. 

I’m reading over this and I sound like an old woman haha. 

I think I need to get away from here or have a change of scenery

or sleep earlier

or do something that makes me feel like myself again. 

Everyone should go outside, make a bonfire, and burn away the good and bad memories. Maybe it’s time to move on. Like the phoenix, we can start anew from those ashes; and I don’t mean as a new person- that’s impossible. Nobody can run away from their past. The fire can represent a chance to move on and push aside the fears/memories that hinder us. It can let us rethink what we should value in our lives. It can be therapeutic. It can be fun. Who knows, who cares. 

But since its winter you can make use of the fireplace. 

Leaders have a responsibility. They have the responsibility to lead the team and to believe in them. So as members of this team, we owe them the respect they deserve. But it’s up to the leaders to maintain that faith, or at least pretend to. Because if the team sees it falter, the foundation will crumble. How can someone believe in themselves when their own leader is losing faith in them? 

And the countdown begins! 

3 months and 25 days left of high school. 

This month kicks off the time period where I should be hearing back from all of my colleges. Of course I care if I get into the colleges I applied to, but its not why I’m nervous. It’s choosing where to go that makes me freak out. I mean, it shouldn’t be such a big deal. I can just flip a coin or make a decision where to go based on restaurants near by the campus. But choosing where to go is such a huge decision. The people I would meet at Salisbury are going to completely different from the people I’d meet in Towson. And what about UMBC? I don’t even know if I got in that school yet. Maybe I’m suppose to meet someone who’s going to change my life at this college BUT maybe there’s an opportunity waiting for me at another. I know it’s about choosing where I want to go, but currently, I have no preference. I’m driving towards a crossroad and don’t know where to turn. 

Good thing this decision can be procrastinated for a little while. Fist pump for senioritis.

Man, I really got to get my shit together. I’ve been unfocused and just out of it these past few months. I realized I haven’t put forth much effort in keeping touch with other people. Maybe I’m being a little too laid-back. Maybe I care less now. This new attitude (or senioritis) is spilling over to my social life. I miss hanging out with my good friends almost everyday. 

I realized as a person, I’m leaning towards the unemotional side of the spectrum. Well, it might seem like it to the people around me. I don’t know, ever since I moved here to Maryland, I found it unnecessary to have emotional attachment and it’s been working in my favor ever since. It turned the switch off, made me remorseless, and finally let me see what and who matters in my life. It’s convenient. Although I don’t think I changed that much as a person, my priorities shifted and I’m more independent now. I do realize that it made me more of an asshole (to guys particularly)… which is something else I need to work on. Sometimes I wonder what I’d be like if I let myself feel and care about the people here; more specifically, the people that I’m never going to see again in a couple months. Now thinking about it, I’d probably identify with this place more, actually miss it, and become one of those forgotten alumniwho comes back time after time. Situations change and people have to adapt. It’s whatever, it is life.

And I mean that in a good way. 

I completely understand why men and women get anxiety over being single… however I think it’s extremely unhealthy (and weak) to jump from relationship to relationship just out of the fear of being alone. Sometimes it’s important to be single for a while and enjoy the time with one’s self. I call these “periods of solitude”. Learn, love, and gain the confidence to rely on yourself. 

“If you don’t love yourself how the hell are you going to love somebody else?” - RuPaul

Recently I’ve been closing my eyes and looking back on my past relationships. It’s weird how vivid memories can be. So today, I traveled all the way back to my first healthy relationship, my first almost-everything, my first best guy-friend. I went back in time to our first ‘holding hands’ moment at scary movie night. I reminisced about our first kiss that happened on Valentine’s day. Honestly, I think this relationship was the purest of them all. And the worst part? I didn’t see it at that time. I wish I did. I should have held on longer back then or told him something that would let him know how much of an impact he had made on my life since those months we’ve dated. I think he is the reason why I don’t completely swear off relationships because it was so worth it back then… as it is now.

Okay, so what is the average life expectancy exactly?

Let’s say 85 years.

So if you multiply 85 years to 365 days in a year… that is 31,025 days (I’m not including leap year days). 

If you subtract that big number to the days you have already lived, how many days do you have left?

I’m 18. 

18 years x 365 days = 6570 average days I have lived

31,025 days - 6579 days I have lived = around 24,455 days left

Hmm that’s not a lot of days left if you think about it. 

Live life to the fullest and don’t waste a day.